Mark and Becky got married in an old blacksmith shop, which has drawn couples to the Scottish border town of Gretna Green for more than two hundred fifty years.
England has relaxed its marriage laws over the years, and the fire no longer burns in the old smithy, but thousands of couples with the fire of love in their hearts still exchange vows over the original anvil where the blacksmith once performed ceremonies for run-away Englanders.
On a cool Wednesday noon in early October 2003, Mark Jones, 33, and Rebecca Barnett [whose British pronunciation sounds like “Bonnet], age 30, made their wedding vows in response to questions from Kevin Sands, a part-time "civil marriage celebrant."
Elopement is no longer the order of the day at marriage sites around Gretna Green. Nowadays, the Old Blacksmith Shop and other companies advertise online for full wedding packages, which can include banquets and hotel rooms, as well as wedding officiants and Scottish bagpipes. Mark and Becky were one of three couples married that day at The Old Blacksmith Shop. One of those other weddings was a full-dress Scottish affair, with the women in traditional wedding gowns and the men in kilts. Weekends at the blacksmith shop are much busier, averaging 15-16 weddings per day, Jim Henderson said.
Mr. Henderson's title is "blacksmith guide," at what has become a tourist site, as well as a place for weddings. In reality, he is facilitator-in-chief, enlisting witnesses and taking wedding pictures, in addition to making sure the legal papers are properly filled in. Papers weren't an issue when Gretna Green first attracted elopers in 1754. That was the year England's Hardwicke Act went into effect, requiring that wedding plans be announced at least two weeks in advance and that they be performed by Anglican clergymen.
Scotland had no such restrictions. In Scotland, until 1940, a man and woman could marry simply by declaring their intentions in the presence of two witnesses. Mr. Henderson told us that many weddings across the centuries were done without bothering with witnesses other than the officiant.
In the old days, many Scottish clergymen, in the manner of the blacksmith, performed short-notice weddings. A Reverend Rennison is said to have performed five thousand weddings at Gretna Green. Minimum marriage age in Scotland in those years was 16. While England did not allow Sunday weddings or any wedding before dawn or after dark, couples could get married in Scotland any time of day or night. And there were many nighttime weddings as couples tied the knot in a hurry, hoping to complete the ceremony before the arrival of angry parents who were seeking to prevent the wedding.
At their age, Mark and Becky weren't exactly running away to get married. They had known each other ten years and had lived together for seven years. But they didn't tell their families of their plan to go to Gretna Green, so perhaps the occasion had some resemblance to an elopement.
While traveling in Britain, Pansy and I went to Gretna Green for a day at the suggestion of our Bed and Breakfast hosts at the Corner House Hotel in Carlisle, a border city in northwest England. While spending a few weeks in England, we thought it would be fun to cross the border, just so we could say we had "been to Scotland." Our hosts at Corner House told us the Gretna Green wedding story and said this might be a convenient and enjoyable jaunt into Scotland.
Our main goal in going to Gretna Green was to have a tour of the wedding facility. After a short ride from Carlisle, we stepped off the bus at The Old Blacksmith Shop and surveyed the scene. The marriage site is surrounded by two or three restaurants, hotels, and souvenir shops.
Eager to see the historic wedding building, we bought tickets and began our tour. But we never really saw the entire shop. Mr. Henderson had just begun showing us around when Mr. Sands, the man on hand that day to do ceremonies, approached us breathlessly and asked, "Are you in a hurry to get away?"
Strange question, in light of the fact that we had hardly walked in the door and hadn't begun to think about leaving. But I said, "I don't guess so, as long as we can catch the bus back down to Carlisle before dark. But why do you ask?"
"If you have a half hour," Mr. Sands said, "we would like to know whether you would be willing to be witnesses for a wedding."
Pansy and I looked at each other. We both were wearing slacks and windbreakers, to ward off the autumn coolness. Hardly what we pictured as attire as members of a wedding party. I shrugged and asked Pansy, "What do you think?" She said, 'I guess it would be all right."
Mr. Sands led us to the anvil room and introduced us to Becky and Mark. We had only time to introduce ourselves all around before Mr. Sands asked cheerfully, "Are we all set then?" The four of us said, "Yes," and the brief ceremony was underway. It included the admonition that the intent of marriage is faithfulness of one man and one woman to each other as long as they live. Mr. Sands also had Mark and Becky repeat the familiar vows of "for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, for better or worse." At the end, he declared Mark and Becky to be husband and wife as he struck the anvil with a hammer. Then he had the four of us to sign official papers, documenting what had just happened.
With all that completed, the newlyweds invited us to join them for tea at one of the restaurants in the complex. Over tea and "biscuits" -- cookies in our American vocabulary -- we discovered a mutuality which led to the exchange of e-mail addresses and promises to keep in touch.
We learned that Mark and Becky are both involved in creative arts in Liverpool: she a visual designer, he a musician. Artists of all stripes usually find it precarious to count on their creative work for a livelihood, but Becky has built up a clientele which she considers fairly reliable. For example, she has worked closely with a museum in Liverpool, creating supportive art work to go with various exhibits.
By contrast, Mark is closer to the artist's norm, working in computer technology to ensure an income while playing in two small bands and writing music for both groups. He taught himself to play the guitar when he was 15 and learned the clarinet and sax in his twenties. "I'm a human jukebox," he says. "I remember hundreds of songs."
By contrast, Mark is closer to the artist's norm, working in computer technology to ensure an income while playing in two small bands and writing music for both groups. He taught himself to play the guitar when he was 15 and learned the clarinet and sax in his twenties. "I'm a human jukebox," he says. "I remember hundreds of songs."
We kept in touch with Mark and Becky when we came home, and, through e-mails, we learned that Becky's parents had been angry when she and Mark started living together. She had been at odds with her parents since she was 12 when the elder Barnetts made her go door-to-door on behalf of the Jehovah's Witnesses to convince people that the world was coming to an end:
"I was coerced into going to their meetings three times a week, forced to go out knocking on people's doors, and I was deeply unhappy," she said. “I was also bullied badly at school because of my parents' belief, and this was all the worse because I knew in my heart I was not a believer. I had a very unhappy time until they asked me to leave home when I was 17."
Her relationship with her parents remained “virtually non-existent” for several years. She was “very angry with them for pushing their views on me and making me so unhappy.”
This standoff continued until a year or so after she and Mark were living together. Becky said, that “with Mark’s encouragement, I started trying to rebuild my relationship with them.” Though things have improved, “I still struggle with the way their religion seems to be very judgmental on the way others choose to live, and I still feel they are always looking for a way to start preaching to me.”
Becky said her parents “both really love Mark but have never approved of our ‘living in sin.’ As a consequence, they would not come and stay with us and also did not let us sleep in the same room when we stayed in their house, even though we had been living together over five years.”
During those years, Mark and Becky discussed marriage several times. “We both realized that actually we lived like we were married anyway and that it wouldn’t make much difference to us in terms of our relationship but that it would ease a lot of tension for me with my parents,” she said.
After these discussions, one aspect of her parents’ religion became a critical factor in Becky’s deciding to marry Mark: “My mum and dad’s religion doesn’t believe in blood transfusions, and ultimately [if she had gotten sick], they may have refused me the care I needed without giving Mark a chance to help me.” A general health consideration also emerged: “If I ever became very ill in a hospital, I realized my parents would have legal control over what would happen to me. I would not want that, as I see Mark as my next of kin.”
Describing himself as a former “pot-smoking, long-haired layabout, Mark said, “A few short years ago, I couldn’t imagine that I would ever have a proper job, a mortgage, or a wife.” He and Becky “both believed that we would never get married, as we shared the same view on marriage--that it was just a meaningless, pompous and needless ceremony, fair enough for our parents to have believed in, but not necessary for us.”
Mark said he had “always disliked partaking in traditional ceremonies, particularly those concerning ‘Western’ traditions -- for example, I had no desire to attend my graduation ceremony when I achieved my B. A. degree. . . . In the same way, I felt no need to ever get married --- the very thought of publicly speaking vows according to U. K. law while trussed up in a suit and tie was anathema to me. My sister had a big white wedding in 1987, and although I was happy for the choice she made for herself, I knew it wasn’t right for me.”
A year or so before Mark and Becky went to Gretna Green, her dad, John Barnett, expressed the desire to have Mark an “official” part of the family. At first, Mark considered this “emotional blackmail,” and he didn’t want to marry “purely because someone else wanted me to.”
The occasional visits Becky’s parents made to Liverpool were always stressful times because they stayed in hotels, refusing to sleep under the same roof as their daughter and her unmarried partner. These visits were nerve-racking for Becky, and this stress on their own relationship made Mark and Becky think more about getting married.
Despite this softening of their own opposition to marriage, Mark said, “We soon encountered the psychological barrier that we didn’t want to marry just to please Becky’s mum and dad. So we decided we would have to reclaim it for ourselves and marry in the manner of our own choosing, involving the least possible pomp and ceremony, and with no influence from anyone else. So that’s what we did!” That took them to Gretna Green where they were married, Becky in a colorful skirt and sweater and Mark in slacks and a sports shirt.
Still an unreconstructed rebel, Mark said, “I began to relish the idea of facing down my old opinions about marriage --- although I still have no respect for the British legal system, I decided I would accept and embrace the hypocrisy of taking part in a ceremony that had previously meant nothing to me. Becky and I would give it our own meaning and take from it what we wanted to.”
Mark’s parents hadn’t made an issue over the absence of a marriage license and had readily stayed in Mark and Becky’s home. Still, his parents were pleased upon learning the news: “My dad finds it hard to be demonstrative and is not very articulate, but I gathered that he was pleased we had ‘made it official.’ And my mum continued to be very happy and excited, saying it was all ‘wonderful.’”
In “keeping up with the Joneses” by e-mail, I asked them a month or so after the wedding whether being married had made any difference in their own relationship. They responded:
Becky said, “I didn’t think that being married would make me feel any different, as it doesn’t really mean anything in terms of being married ‘legally.’ But on reflection, I think I do feel a little different. I always felt secure and that I wanted to stay with Mark forever, but since being married, I have felt more settled, more committed, and, in a kind of way, happier. I think I feel a sense of grounding and maybe a little more secure. I was worried that becoming married would take the buzz out of our relationship, but I think it has actually added to it, so that’s an unexpected bonus.”
Mark: “After the initial novelty of being newly wed, we seem to have fallen back into our regular lifestyle. Nothing has changed in practical terms, but we agree that we feel closer to each other spiritually somehow, more secure, warm, content, and confident in our relationship. We seem to be having more fun with each other. For me, considering that I have spent most of my life not wanting to get married, and seeing no need for it, it has been an enjoyable addition to my life, albeit a subtle one.”
In response to the question of how their changed legal status has changed them, Mark waxed philosophic in his written parting shot:
“I have always been a positive, optimistic, and resilient kind of person, and I have always felt that change is a very necessary part of life and should be embraced and, as much as possible, celebrated. Though I am still relatively young, I can look back and say I am very happy that life has blessed me with all my experiences, in order that I could become the person I am today. Marriage was an unknown quantity to me, until I decided to embrace it on my own terms, and now Becky and I will continue to embrace it, hand in hand, ‘wandering off into the sunset.’”
A few months after Gretna Green, Mark wrote to tell of yet another change in the offing which promised a sunrise, rather than a sunset, for the Jones-Barnett family:
“A few weeks ago, we found out that Becky is pregnant, so we’ve been quietly enjoying our new situation and working out how things should go now. We are both very happy and excited and looking toward the massive changes to come. We are both convinced that, amongst other factors, getting married made it easier to conceive, somehow, perhaps made us feel safe enough subconsciously to go to the next stage.” Their daughter Rosa was born in late August 2004.
On a return visit to England, three or four years later, we spent a rainy afternoon and evening, having dinner and an enjoyable visit with Mark, Becky, and bright-eyed, brown-haired little Rosa in their home in Liverpool. With Mark’s wide interest in music, I taught him a few American folk songs which he recorded for future use in his gigs.
Both Becky and Mark are continuing their artistic endeavors. In an e-mail in the summer of 2010, Mark wrote:
“Becky has enjoyed some artistic success recently, making murals and sculptures from mud plaster. [Her mud penguins and the work of other artists have been on http://www.gopenguins.co.uk/site/artists.php]. She recently painted a huge fibreglass rhino sculpture for a project in Chester [a neighboring town about ten miles from Liverpool], to be displayed in the streets of the town. She has also been working in schools, delivering art workshops about India and Africa to primary age children.”
For his part, Mark has been “performing music in many clubs and pubs, by myself and with bands. My website for the work I do is www.markjonesmusic.co.uk.” I went to this website and heard several of Mark’s songs which he has recorded. These can be purchased online. His recordings include folk, country, and blues; pop, rock n roll, rock, reggae, rhythm and blues, and funk from the 1950s to the 1990s; American standards and jazz from the 1920s to the 1960s; and children’s songs from the U. K. and the U. S.
“Superlambanana” is a fun song for children, inspired in part by Rosa. I heard that number on YouTube. The title is based on sculptures scattered around Liverpool which depict a cross between a lamb and a banana.
As Rosa has entered school, Mark and Becky -- not surprisingly, given their artistic involvement -- have kept her busy with art and making music, along with reading, writing, and playing. With the constant struggle to earn a living through the creative arts, the couple has also “been forced to try to make our own business so we have set up a music and singing business called 'singsong' for children 0-7,” Becky said.
The website for this musical project, www.singsongmusic.co.uk, lists age-level sessions which include a mix of “old songs, new songs, multicultural songs, folk songs, action songs, lullabies, interaction with different musical instruments, rhyme and rhythm, improvisation, call and response, musical games, musical stories, percussion, music and movement,” plus “a variety of props and puppets to make sessions even more fun and engaging.”
All of this has turned Mark’s attention to other aspects of early childhood education: “I've been very busy, also mostly working in schools, delivering creative maths, music and IT [Information Technology = computer] sessions to various ages, including in some Special Needs schools.”
He has also been actively exploring what is required to be certified as an elementary school teacher.
We are enchanted by ongoing chapters in the lives of these transoceanic friends, and we look forward to seeing all three Joneses on our next trip to the UK, which we hope will not be long in coming.
